Alive.

Why must my mind never cease to silence itself. I was doing so well for so long. Then the second I have time to sit by myself, truly, honestly, crushingly alone, it happens. I need to write. I need to draw. I need to create. But I can’t. I can’t draw, so all of these fantastic, mystifying scenes I have playing out within my mind come out being scribbles of stick figures and crudely drawn backgrounds because I have no artistic ability whatsoever. I turn to writing like this. I was always told to keep a journal and I finally see why. There are times like these, the low, lonely, desperate times. I want to write but my thoughts fly by faster than I can move a pen, so I turn to a computer. Then they being to surpass my quick typing, so I try to take my notes down by voice, and then it culminates in a stuttering, disjointed mass of barely connected ideas that make up what goes through my head. It’s always doors, opening and closing. All to different things, different scenarios, different times, and as clichĂ©d as it sounds, sometimes entire worlds. Even as I sit here hammering at my keyboard, things pop in and out of existence and I have no way of recording them. Describing the awe-inspiring things that happen behind my eyes. It’s almost a prison. But it is infinite, and more beautiful than very few things my mortal eyes will lay upon. Good god, I want to be able to show the world what I imagine, but at the same time I’m scared. I’m scared to put in the effort to really learn how to draw, or weave tales through literature, because what if it never comes out how I see it. What if it really isn’t anything nearly as fantastic once I see it realized in physical form? That is my true dilemma. But I guess in the meantime I can sit atop my mountain, alone, and revel in the sheer wonderful ridiculousness of what my mind creates. Maybe one day I’ll be able to share it with someone to its fullest. Let’s just hope that day comes before the inevitable time when my mind has had enough, and lets the creations loose. Not on the world, but on myself. The stronger the light, the thicker the shadows fall.


But.

What if. What..if..what if it…it all turns around? What if we can stand outside, look up at the vastness that is the entirety of existence and not feel impossibly insignificant? As pathetic as this is, once again, I can’t seem to put my thoughts to words, but someone else has. Neil deGrasse Tyson puts it so damn beautifully: “The most astounding fact about the universe is the knowledge that the atoms that comprise life on earth, the atoms that make up the human body, are traceable, to the crucibles, that cooked light elements into heavy elements in their core, under extreme temperatures and pressures. These stars, the high-mass ones among them, went unstable in their later years. They collapsed and then exploded, scattering their enriched guts across the galaxy. Guts made of carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and all the fundamental ingredients of life itself. These ingredients, become part of gas clouds, that condense, collapse, form the next generation of solar systems. Stars with orbiting planets. And those planets now have the ingredients for life itself. So that when I look up at the night sky, and I know that yes, we are, part of this universe, we are in this universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts, is that the universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up, many people feel small, cuz they’re small and the universe is big, but I feel big. Because, my atoms, came from those stars. There’s a level of connectivity. That’s really what you want in life, you wanna feel connected. You wanna feel relevant. You wanna feel like you’re a participant, in the goings on of activities and events around you. That’s precisely what we are. Just by being alive.”

That is what I want. To be able to look up at the shimmering night sky and not to feel small, stifled, or useless. I want to look up, having the audacity to think that I matter, and feel big.

Well holy shit. Someone put what I was trying to say in my previous post into words and images more beautifully than I ever could.

Small.

There are so many things swimming through my mind right now that I’ll never be able to get them all down here. I’ve finally emerged from my low and my mind is racing with that familiar creative byproduct of a high cycle, and the only major revelation I have to share is that we are all really, really small people. Individuals, all living independent lives amongst each other, interacting or not. Each person going through their own creative bubbling mass of thoughts, none too dissimilar from this. Good god we’re all so tiny, so insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe. Our entire record of major achievements, creations, tastes, and even our biology, is hurtling through space to places you and I will never dream of seeing. And we have the audacity to think that we matter. Us. Two free-thinking, different individuals who happen to be existing at the same time in the entire history of this planet. We’re living out our lives as most others would, but it’s moments like these that set us apart from most people. Most people don’t sit down, and realize simply how big our very own planet is, let alone our entire galaxy, or even god forbid the entire universe. And we only have a set amount of time in this world, the entirety of our existence, and I’m sitting here writing this while you’re sitting here reading it. Who knows, maybe someone else out there in the world is sitting here thinking the same damn thing, just how small we all really are.

I hate wanting to discuss problems in my life because I always feel like the person I’m talking to has either way worse shit in their life to deal with, or they don’t want to deal with someone complaining about their life to them. The everyday struggle of some kid who has way too much on his mind and nobody but the Internet to share it with.

It’s 3:30AM and I haven’t done any work due for next week. Fuck it, here’s a gif of Bane.

It’s 3:30AM and I haven’t done any work due for next week. Fuck it, here’s a gif of Bane.

Sean: Do you have a soul mate?
Will: Define that.
Sean: Someone you can relate to.
Will: Chuckie.
Sean: No, Chuckie's family. He'd lie down in fuckin' traffic for you. I'm talking about someone who opens things up for you.
Will: Sure, I got plenty.
Sean: Well, name them.
Will: Shakespeare, Nietzsche, Frost, O'Connor, Kant, Pope, Locke...
Sean: Well that's great. They're all dead.
Will: Not to me, they're not.
Sean: You can't give back to them. You can't have a lot of dialogue with them.
Will: Not without a heater and some serious smelling salts.
Sean: Yeah. Well, that's what I'm saying. You'll never have that kind of a relationship in a world where you're always afraid to take the first step because all you see is every negative thing 10 miles down the road.

Quotes.

It seems to me that people use quotes to describe things in ways that they themselves can’t. Use someone else’s words because they fit better in describing what you wanted than your original words, and I think it’s absolutely brilliant that people can come up with words to put to meaning the flurry of emotions blowing around inside my head. But at the same time, I want to have the ability to be profound and convey my feelings into words like any normal person could. That’s why I enjoy this medium. I don’t go to it very often, but whenever I feel the need to say something pointless and random it’s here. That, and writing all this shit down in a notebook is so 8th grade.

Anyway, in all honesty I write these because I feel like I have to. It’s like an itch at the back of my mind and I can’t get it out of my head until I get these thoughts out into some tangible manner. The sad thing is, I’ll probably never go back and actually read these because I’ll be too ashamed of what I unveiled to the general population of the internet. It really is an interesting concept, people would keep diaries and journals back in the day and they wouldn’t let a soul read them other than the closest and most trustworthy of people. That was like a direct gap into their thoughts, into their inner idiosyncrasies. The only people that are allowed to be balls deep in emotional goop like that are your significant other and maybe a best friend. But in some cases, there are just some things you don’t want to tell anyone. Just sit here, and have a little dialogue with yourself just to see what’s really going on inside that brain of yours. Woah, that’s some meta shit right there.

The reason trusting someone is so important is because once you reach the level of a friendship or relationship where you can give and receive that close, intimate information, you feel satisfied. You feel a special connection because nobody else knows that fact about you, and you know that one thing about somebody else that very few people know. It’s a bit of an equivalent exchange in terms of discreet satisfaction. But then you add the internet and the concept of anonymity. You can jump on here with no face, no name, no nothing, and tell your complete life story. Every single detail that you and only you know, could be potentially shared with any other person on the planet at any given time. And they’d have no idea it was you. When you post something anonymously, you have no clue if someone reads it or if it just floats off into that corner of the internet where information goes to die (well in this case I know two people who have the misfortune of reading this). Anybody could see this at any time. Maybe I should start writing some more interesting shit so I can be quoted and feel all cool and junk.

Every single one of these never ends up where I think it will. Not sure if awesome or I actually have ADD and can’t string thoughts together in any logical order. Hmm…

Set your mind free.

Set your mind free.

Creativity.

I wish I could take these beautiful ramblings in my head and give them life.

Be able to use words, colors, figures, music, any means to convey the amazing things that go on deep in my mind.

I’d give anything to be creative by any means.

I see these wondrous views, breathtaking landscapes, entire living existences flitting in and out all behind my eyes.

The sheer capacity for limitless creation the human mind possesses  astonishes me.

As equally as the limits we are burdened with regarding said creativity.


Set your mind free.